![]() ![]() This is done in order to undercut the victims trust in their own reality and sense of self.Even when the victim is bewildered and left wondering, What just happened there?, there is reluctance to see the gaslighter for what they areit is this denial that is the cornerstone of the gaslighting relationship.Įssentially, the victim reduces his or her own cognitive dissonance and confusion by choosing to “believe” in the abuser’s version of events. The gaslighting, as a harassment technique, starts with a series of subtle mind games that intentionally prays on the gaslightees limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. To understand why covert narcissists employ these methods, remember that their ability to prey upon a victim’s uncertainty allows them to create a sophisticated “Gaslighting Effect.” In her article, “Effects of Gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome,” psychotherapistChristine Louis de Canonville describeshow this effect is amplified over time: They then use their victim’s reactionsto prove the victims instability while casting themselves as the innocent party. It also serves to evoke reactions in you that may seem excessive to any outsider looking in.This is a way for them to get away with their abusive behavior and provoke the victim to react in public. This can involve putting you down in front of others by poking fun at something they know youre sensitive about, but others may not realize is a vulnerability of yours.Much like an inside joke, the knowledge of how this comment affects you is shared between you both, but unlike an inside joke, it is meant to undermine you rather than build rapport. They may also engage in what I like to call coded language. Of course, they will do everything possible to convince you that they never meant to communicate the more malicious meaning, but the underlying undercurrent of something deeper is always present in such an interaction. For example, this may include giving you a compliment with a condescending tone of voice, relaying a humorous joke at your expense with a contemptuous look, using a startling gesture or provocative facial expression or saying something that can easily have two meanings (one innocent, and the other, abusive). It “trains” and conditions the victim over time to seek the narcissist’s approval and validation.Ĭovert narcissists can evenget creative and send a mixed message by contradicting their seemingly innocuous words with a devious undercurrent. This will allow their put-down to appear more like a legitimate critique rather than an excuse to tear you down unnecessarily. ![]() You do know youre completely wrong about that, right? Well, you’re hardworking, at least, I’ll give you that.). This can also occur vice versa the narcissist may first attack with an overly critical stance, only to seemingly soften the blow with a crumb of a compliment to create confusion in the victim (ex. Wow Mary, youve really lost weight! Too bad about the sagging skin, huh?). In order to put their victims down while still evading accountability, the covert narcissist will first provide a sweet compliment, followed by a backhanded slap of sorts (ex. It involves throwing the victim off the pedestal while also offering potential for getting back on it. Mixed put-downs, double meanings and coded language.Ī mixed put-down occurs when a covert narcissist is threatened by someone elses intelligence, accomplishments, status, appearance or any other resources he or she may covet. Here are three manipulation techniques that covert narcissists use and tips on how to stay grounded if you encounter one: 1. Their tactics work to diminish, demean and sabotage their victims behind the scenes – which is why their manipulation and exploitation can leave their loved ones blindsided and reeling from the unexpected psychological violence they subject them to. Yet beneath their quieter nature and seemingly sensitive faade lurks a contempt and sense of entitlement that is ultimately even more harmful simply because it is so startling and traumatizing to the victims who bear witness to it. They can be disarmingly seductive, even loving, personable and gracious. Covert narcissists, on the other hand, present new challenges they can appear meek, innocent, charitable, even humble at first glance. Fortunately, overt narcissists are usually easy to spot and hopefully easier to avoid investing in. ![]()
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